Creative Writing & Blogging
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Cooper's First Baseball Game
Taking your kid to a baseball game is a sacred right of passage passed down from father to son. I never had that with my dad so I was excited to take my 7 year old to his first Houston Astros game. He was so excited and had a blast and so did I. It’s so cute when he mimics me and lately I’ve been writing a lot. So when we went into the $5 store, I told him he could get two things. He chose slime and a journal. I asked him to write about his first Astros game and this is what he wrote.
my first Astros game
at my first Astros game i got to By a hat and a shirt The we got to are seats Then we watched The people make home runs And outs Then we got somting to eat and we watched more off The game Then we saw somebody on the Astros hit a home run The score Was 3 to 2 We thought The Astros were going to lose The game then i kept on going and going and going until the 12 enning the Baseball players that hit and Didant get out The A playe called Carlos Correa hit the Ball Then Astros won everybody was so excited when The people got otsibe the were all making a noise and they kept saying “whoooooo” i got so pist and then we went otsibe And pepole were playing music and then we went to the care We hopped in the car then we were just relaxing lisnning to music in the car then we finally go home and i hope you ejoyd my story the end.
I think that if we just tried to see the world around us through our kid’s eyes, we’d be a lot happier. Don’t you think?
The F Alone
This is my wife Katie. This is how excited she gets when she gets around donuts. You know when else she gets real excited? When we leave her the fuck alone.
Guys, let me explain something to you. Mother's day is an EASY win for you. All you have to do is one simple thing. LEAVE YOUR WIFE THE FUCK ALONE. Now by that, I mean very specifically and literally leaving her the fuck alone. Won't she be upset that it's not all about her and we're not gushing over her and waiting on her and getting her all these awesome gifts? Nope.....She doesn't give a fuck. She wants you and the kids to get out of her gawd damn face for an entire day.
Being a woman, she's always juggling 100 different things at once at any given moment of the day. There are a million things going through her head. Ever hear a woman say, "I didn't sleep well las night." " I woke up and had a million things running through my head." How many guys have that problem? I'm going to say not a fucking one. We sleep like we're dead. There's NOTHING going on in that fucking head of ours. It's as empty as our browsing history after we look at fucked up shit on the internet.....CLEAN SWEEP!
Your wife is involved in constant activity from the moment her day begins. She's getting the kids ready to get out of the door and on their way to school. She's trying to find her six year old's shoe that he can never fucking find because for some reason the little jerk puts one shoe where it's supposed to go and all of a sudden says "fuck it....I'm putting this bitch behind that box in the back of that closet in the room nobody ever goes in." She's trying to deal with the bullshit that goes along with her job. She's trying not to murder you because you're a giant man-baby with the memory span of that stupid fucking fish that Ellen voices. We as men get the luxury of thinking and dealing with one thing at a time. Everything in our head is compartmentalized and when we're done with one thing, we put it up and go to the next. Or sometimes, we are able to think about NOTHING AT ALL. Do you know how many women have ever had a moment where they thought about nothing? The answer is fucking zero. Their brains are ALWAYS going a million miles per hour. It's the way they are.
So this Mother's Day I decided I was going to do something different. My wife hasn't seen a lot of her best friend lately. They are both teachers and super busy with work and every other shit torpedo life throws at them on a daily basis. So instead of Sunday brunch with the kids and I, she deserves a little B.F.F. time with her bestie. I made brunch reservations for them Saturday as not to run into the sea of fucking families with asshole kids screaming and running all over the restaurant. They're going to have brunch and get their nails done and covered in quick cement, or formica, or sheet rock, or whatever the fuck they put on those things. It's my treat and I even offered free babysitting services for her B.F.F. I don't know if she'll take me up on it because she probably looks at my fucking heathens and wonders what the fuck I do to them on a daily basis. But, the offer is there. It's a chance for them to connect and enjoy adult conversation without having to break up a fight over fucking restaurant crayons.
You see guys, it is no secret that all mother's on some level or another....Whether they want to admit it or not....Really want to be left the fuck alone for one day. They want to sleep in without having to get up and clean the F-5 cereal tornado those little assholes left on the kitchen table because they're incapable of walking over to the sink and putting a gawd damn dish in the gawd damn sink. They want to be able to poop without knocking at the door and little voices asking her to settle a fight because this one said this thing or that one hit this one and now it's mad and ready to settle a score. Do you know how hard it is for most women to poop anyway? It's like a fucking corn maze down there. Things go in but sometimes never come out. They want to relax and watch their favorite TV show without a six year old farting then laughing then farting then laughing then repeating that about 20 times. Maybe she wants to be able to read that gawd awful book by that gawd awful author who loves to give his main characters cancer so that his readers will cry. Whatever she wants to do that day, she should be able to do without interruption. Why you ask? Because she pushed something the size of a small watermelon from her vagina then let it feast and tear up her nipples for a year or so...That's why you ungrateful bastard.
So this mother's day, give your wife that one precious commodity that she rarely sees along with the dress size she once was before she popped out your demon spawn......Solitude. Superman had to build his out of fucking ice and go to the North Pole just to get his peace and quiet. All you have to do is take the kids and LEAVE HER THE F ALONE.
The "Dumb Dad Era" Is Over
Now, I'm not taking away anything from single moms. I respect the hell out of any parent that can raise kids on their own. I wonder sometimes how I'm going to survive this and that's even with the help of my wife Katie (who is an incredible woman and one I could not live without) <-Kiss ass statement done.......Now let's continue.
You see, moms get all the credit and accolades when it comes to single parenting. Is that because more men are bums and dead beats who run from responsibility? Perhaps.....But when you do have a single dad who mans up and takes care of his responsibilities, it's nice to see. I believe dads in general have this stigma surrounding us. One portrayed in movies and television that has us as the big dumb dopey dads who couldn't survive the simple task of feeding our children without our wives around. It's pretty easy.....You just sit them down anywhere and throw food at them like you're at a petting zoo. But don't get too close. They're filthy and will only get close to you if they believe you can serve a purpose to them.
You see, I was raised by my mother primarily. I can't say enough great things about my mother. She is the greatest, kindest, most generous woman I know.
My father was from the old school mentality where raising kids was mainly a woman's job. I'm not saying I hate my dad or anything. I love him like most love their parents. I'm just saying, it definitely had a hand in the way our relationship is even to this day. Now, I try to stay active in my two boy's lives because I don't want them to grow up and feel distant to me. I want them to call me when they have problems and I want to be there for them as they are for me when I'm old, wrinkly, and disgusting with the prostate the size of a grapefruit.